Act 1 Scene 1
Location: A blasted heath yclept Dundee
Cast
Alastair - A man of many mansions
Charles: Hit record singer - "Pick me up before you go-go"
Annabelle: A former Miss Easterhouse
Chorus: White Feather Group and Flute Band
Annabelle:
Why are we on this freezing heath
when I have nothing on beneath?
Alastair:
That bastard Brownlie put us here
so he can snipe, insult and sneer
Now that he's got us all together
I hope he'll send us better weather
Charles
Why do we three meet again
In thunder, lightning and in rain
Though we know it's all in vain
We have to start the "No" campaign.
Alastair:
I'm no so keen on this word "No"
I've got five houses on the go
So when the gravy train doth flow
I find it hard to answer "No"
Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is on it's way
Claws of Curran, beard of Baillie
Trebles and expenses daily
Charles:
Och, I love the scene when'ere I go
After ten whiskies in a row
They'll say "One mair afore ye go"
I'm never known to answer "No"
Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The whisky trail is doon that way
Annabelle
At dinner parties when I go
Sitting next to dear Seb Coe
He whispers to me
Sweet and low
Fancy a quickie before we go
If it's hard I can't say "No"
Chorus:
Smiles of Brown and bombs of Blair
He explores her tartan under- wear
By the ghost of Lard Foulke's granny
We think he found her hootenanny.
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The "No" campaign is oot the way
Double question, toil and trouble
Let Salmond burn and Sturgeon bubble
We've got no chance of bloody winning
The way that bastard Salmond's spinning.
Annabelle:
Do ye fancy a romp among the heather
and call the campaign "Better together"?
Charles:
I'll drink to that, romp in the heather
Yes, let's call it "Better Weather"
Alastair:
I'm no too sure about this romping
I'd rather hae a clootie dumpling
As part of a seven course dinner
In a five-star hotel, that's a winner
Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is here to stay
Mouth of Cherie, sakes of Foukes
We'll all be Ladies, Lords and Dukes.
