Sunday, 16 October 2011

Dear John Letter

Dear Mr Brownlie,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply today to our latest communication and to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".  It might be more correctly referred to as a "tax demand".   this is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling pleading  vomited through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.   However, whist I have naturally not seen the mail to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils,  pirate electrical blackmailers and pissant gas-providers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is, at best, a little ill-advised.   

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of the letters see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".   More likely they see you, as a citizen of Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of society as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.  Whilst there may be a spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes go to "shore up the canker-blighted, toss-pot folly" that is the civil service, a moment's rudimentary contemplation ought to disabuse you of the nation that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole bleeding coalition parties" yourself.  The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by tax collectors are, whilst quite colourful, are in fairness, a little off the mark.  Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for brown-nosing lickspittles" and "pole-dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to what you call the "beer-swilling, time-wasting, box-ticking facade of government.

A couple of points arising from direct queries

1.   The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system.

2.   You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been used as a practice because even if the personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, on reflection and further study, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.  In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or another, I ought to point out that even if you do choose to say "feck off, you money-grabbing bowler-hatted seat polishers, I'm going to be a tax-exile" you are still obliged to give us the money.  Please send it to us by return of post.

Yours sincerely,

I. O. Cash
Tax Collection Service.


  1. First!

    Now, you must realise that that poor man has better things to do that spend his life reading idiotic letters from the lumpen masses or replying to same.

    Have a care.

    At the bottom of the service staff must go on equality awareness courses; climbing ladder courses; heath and safety at work courses; diversity courses; how to fill in overtime sheets courses; corporate strategy courses; time management courses; smart dressing courses; and finally, how to deal with difficult client courses.

    And that last one is all your fault. You and other inconsiderate people like you.

    At the top of the civil service, there is the problem of actually getting to work, without mixing with the lower orders, who now all seem to start around 9.30ish.

    Then there is the morning coffee meeting where heads of units get together to ensure good communication throughout the service and talk about last night's opera, or ballet, or the weekend shooting party.

    Then there is luncheon to be taken. This may, for lower classes, be a matter of unwrapping a cheese sandwich, but for the top civil servant, this involves the careful choice of which wine to take with which course, and who one should invite to lunch with one so that expenses may be claimed ...legitimately, of course.

    Afternoon tea is next on the agenda, and if it has been a particularly long lunch one is always very glad of the liquid.

    One has to find time to plan how one is going to achieve one's K; and if one has already done that, how one will obtain that cherished seat on the red leather benches, so coveted (and the £300 a day plus excellent dining facilities available to one's Lordship.

    Finally one needs to be out sharply so that one can get to one's club, shower and change into evening attire before opera and dining.

    It may seem simple to you, but be assured a great deal of time and effort is expended ensuring that these things are done to perfection.

    That is why the Big Society is so important. Civil servants can't be expected to run things at the same time as taking care of all these matters, so the public will have to.

    Now stump up the money without complaint. Stiff upper lip. Remember you're English. Rule Britannia.. and all that stuff.

    Jolly good. Pip pip.


    Handsome looking blog, John!

  2. welcome

    w v = rebblera (HONESTLY!)

  3. As they might say of the Spanish, they do things differently in HMRC-land ...

    Welcome to the posting side of the blogosphere! :-)

  4. Hi, folks, grovelling apologies - just realised that I've very ignorantly forgotten to acknowledge your much appreciated comments. Now that Sophia is back I'll have to start contributing again.

  5. At 3.02pm, Tris, I'm surprised at you - was it a special occasion?