If I was Salmond.......

As a devoted reader and poster of nonsensical comments on the Scotsman newspaper(?) I cannot help noticing that, on rare occasions, the paper is less than impartial and that every initiative announced by the Yes faction is apparently scrutinised and dissected by the NO campaign before going into print.  If one expert agrees with a Yes policies the Scotsman seems to find another expert to countermand the policy and the political opponents or other non-entities are quoted at great length. 

Not that the Scotsman newspaper is alone in this lack of impartiality but the world famous tax-payer funded BBC even use judicious editing of news items to make them appear anti-independence as was the case with a senior Irish politician.  We could expect something along these lines from unionist newspapers - we all know who they are - but not from an impartial broadcaster like the BBC.

Now, if I were Salmond I would say on behalf of the SNP and the Scottish government that: 

Next year the people of Scotland will make the most important decision of their lives which will affect not just them but their children and their children's children and for generations to come.

We will be voting not just for independence but also regarding monetary union or alternatives, membership of organisations such as the EU, NATO, the UN or alternatives to these organisations.

Whilst we were voted into Government with more MSPs than the other parties we are, of course, aware that significant numbers did not vote for us or our policies.  We are also aware that we may not be forming the next Scottish government and that our policies might be subsumed by others.

That being the case, in the event of a YES vote, to be fair to all concerned, we will hold a referendum on all issues such as those mentioned above and, in view of the importance of these decisions we will let the people of Scotland decide the future direction of this country.

To my mind, such a decision would completely wrong-foot the Better Together campaign who would not be able to argue that Westminster knows best regarding the wishes and aspirations of Scottish voters.

It would also attract voters who may, or may not, wish to join the organisations mentioned but who, at present, feel that their voices may not be heard or that their opinions do not matter.

When all is said and done if voters feel that, far from being dictated to, they are being consulted in every aspect of their future they are much more likely to vote for the opportunity to do so.

Dear Darling,

Dear Darling,

You may, or may not, recall that I wrote to you as Chancellor, which I understand means a big knob at the Treasury,regarding my tax situation.  I was interested to read that non-doms, because their tax situation was rather complicated, reached an agreement with your good-self to pay a lump sum of £30,000 and thus avoided paying tax in the normal manner.  I thought that this is an excellent idea which saves time and money.

My tax affairs being just as complicated, if not in fact chaotic I wrote to you, therefore, to offer a lump sum of £200 per annum which I thought erred a tad on the generous side but we are not going to quibble or fall out over a matter of a few quid.  I sent copies of the letter to all your houses which, as you can imagine incurred substantial postal charges but then again, heigh ho, it's only money.

However to date I have not received your reply and am told that you are now responsible for Better together which probably explains the delay.  I am dismayed that the better together is not, in fact, a referral to ladies knees.  I was hoping that if ladies knees were better together it would prevent them indulging in the barbaric practice of dancing which is a scourge on our society and heavens knows where it could lead.  Perhaps you could include that in your criticism of the SNP as I understand that Salmond is a nifty mover and shaker!

I have to offer my condolences to you regarding the effect of this bedroom tax which I'm sure will cost you an absolute fortune so if you need any advice on avoidance look no further.  I have set up a group against this imposition which I intend to call the Bedroom Action Tax and would wish for your support.  I once spent nine months in labour so can sympathise with their current difficulties.

Yours sincerely,

John B

Certainly not Shakespeare

Act 1 Scene 1




Location:   A blasted heath yclept Dundee

Cast

Alastair - A man of many mansions

Charles:  Hit record singer - "Pick me up before you go-go"

Annabelle:  A former Miss Easterhouse

Chorus:  White Feather Group and Flute Band


Annabelle:    
Why are we on this freezing heath
when I have nothing on beneath?

Alastair:
That bastard Brownlie put us here
so he can snipe, insult and sneer
Now that he's got us all  together
I hope he'll send us better weather

Charles
Why do we three meet again
In thunder, lightning and in rain
Though we know it's all in vain
We have to start the "No" campaign.

Alastair:
I'm no so keen on this word "No"
I've got five houses on the go
So when the gravy train doth flow
I find it hard to answer "No"

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is on it's way
Claws of Curran, beard of Baillie
Trebles and expenses daily

Charles:
Och, I love the scene when'ere I go
After ten whiskies in a row
They'll say "One mair afore ye go"
I'm never known to answer "No"

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The whisky trail is doon that way

Annabelle
At dinner parties when I go
Sitting next to dear Seb Coe
He whispers to me
Sweet and low
Fancy a quickie before we go
If it's hard I can't say "No"

Chorus:
Smiles of Brown and bombs of Blair
He explores her tartan under- wear
By the ghost of Lard Foulke's granny
We think he found her hootenanny.
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The "No" campaign is oot the way
Double question, toil and trouble
Let Salmond burn and Sturgeon bubble
We've got no chance of bloody winning
The way that bastard Salmond's spinning.

Annabelle:
Do ye fancy a romp among the heather
and call the campaign "Better together"?

Charles:  
I'll drink to that, romp in the heather
Yes, let's call it "Better Weather"

Alastair:
I'm no too sure about this romping
I'd rather hae a clootie dumpling
As part of a seven course dinner
In a five-star hotel, that's a winner

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is here to stay
Mouth of Cherie, sakes of Foukes
We'll all be Ladies, Lords and Dukes.

Thank you letter!

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.






Dear Kirkcaldy High School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensions luncheon.  I  am 87 years old and live at the Raith Home for Elderly Ladies.  All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.  I want to thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.


My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but she would never let me listen to it.  She said it belonged to her long dead husband and, understandably, wanted to keep it safe.


The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a dozen pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to fuck off.


Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.


God bless you all.

What's the question??

Now that the referendum date appears to have been confirmed as late 2014 much debate will be held as to the form of the question(s) to be asked and, indeed, how many options will be offered.  According to the SNP their preferred option is for a straight yes or no for independence but, crucially, that they may accept a further option should that be forth-coming.


My own preference would, un-popularly I suspect, be for a straight choice between independence or a return to Westminster rule.  My reason being that most, if not all, of the issues that I find completely abhorrent are, despite having a token Scottish government, still retained by Westminster.


For example, if Westminster decide to go to war there is nothing that the Scottish Government can do about it except voice their objections which will be, inevitably translated, again, by the media as wingeing.  If they chose to waste money on a Trident replacement there is nothing the Scottish Government can do about it except voice their objections which will be, inevitably, translated, again and again, by the media as wingeing.  If they chose to give away fishing rights there is nothing the Scottish Government can do about it except voice their objection which will be, inevitably, translated, again and again and again, as wingeing.  There are other examples too numerous to record.


I believe that Scottish voters, having got used to having their own Government, inadequate though it's powers may be, would not contemplate, given the option, of returning to Westminster rule.  This is a once in a life-time, for most, opportunity for Scots to stand on their own two feet and should not be squandered on voting for distractions such as the status quo, devolution max - terms to be dictated by the UK government - or any other distraction from the main purpose of holding a referendum in the first instance.

Dear John Letter

Dear Mr Brownlie,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply today to our latest communication and to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".  It might be more correctly referred to as a "tax demand".   this is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling pleading  vomited through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.   However, whist I have naturally not seen the mail to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils,  pirate electrical blackmailers and pissant gas-providers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is, at best, a little ill-advised.   

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of the letters see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".   More likely they see you, as a citizen of Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of society as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.  Whilst there may be a spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes go to "shore up the canker-blighted, toss-pot folly" that is the civil service, a moment's rudimentary contemplation ought to disabuse you of the nation that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole bleeding coalition parties" yourself.  The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by tax collectors are, whilst quite colourful, are in fairness, a little off the mark.  Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for brown-nosing lickspittles" and "pole-dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to what you call the "beer-swilling, time-wasting, box-ticking facade of government.

A couple of points arising from direct queries

1.   The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system.

2.   You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been used as a practice because even if the personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, on reflection and further study, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.  In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or another, I ought to point out that even if you do choose to say "feck off, you money-grabbing bowler-hatted seat polishers, I'm going to be a tax-exile" you are still obliged to give us the money.  Please send it to us by return of post.

Yours sincerely,

I. O. Cash

Tax Collection Service.