Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Oxymoron

A lady buys a top of the range Rolls Royce but took it back to the dealer the next day because the radio did not work.  The dealer explained that it was a voice-activated radio which would respond to anything she wanted to listen to.  For instance, if she shouted "Beethoven" the radio would play Beethoven and if she shouted "Elvis" the radio would play an Elvis song.  If she did not want to listen to music she should shout "News" and the radio would respond with the latest news.

She tried it out several times and was delighted with the response.  She was listening to some soothing music when a truck driven by an extremely stout gentleman swung out in front of her forcing her to slam on her brakes.  She lowered her window and shouted "Fat moron" and the radio responded "This is a speech by Alastair Carmicheal on behalf of the Better together campaign"! 

Monday, 3 February 2014

To see ourselves as others see us!

A recent discussion on Tris's illustrious blog, Munguin's Republic,r regarding portraits of the famous/infamous for enormous sums of money reminded me of an incident when I was a young sprog and budding young Constable - the artist, not the fuzz.  We were set a project to copy a portrait by a better-known artist and I chose to try and copy "Tolstoy takes a rest in the woods" which portrayed a bearded gentleman, reminiscent of Conan, reading a book in the woods.  Having spent weeks on it and going over it in minute detail I triumphantly handed it in only to be gently reminded, two seconds later, that Tolstoy probably had more than three fingers on his right hand as shown in the portrait.

However, I am still available at a reasonable price if the UK Government would like to get in touch. 

No, Taz, there is a limit to what I can do with the subject matter.

Friday, 6 September 2013

I'll get me coat.

An old lady in a care-home for the elderly had an electric wheel-chair where she would zoom up and down the corridors.  An elderly gentleman, a former policeman, would suddenly jump out in front of her and tell her off for speeding, at the same time asking to see her licence.  She would pull out her pension book and after looking at it he would say "Carry on but watch your speed".  This would go on for ages and each time she would say "Not again" but each time he insisted on demanding her "licence".  One day he jumped out in front of her totally naked and she exclaims "Oh, no, not the breathalyser again.................



Murphy had a factory which made nails but his products were not selling well.  A friend advised him to advertise on TV and told him that a friend of his produced videos promoting products.  The producer invited him round to the studio to give him a sample of the advert he had devised.  The ad began with a hill in the distance and as the camera zoomed in they could see that there were three crosses on the hill.  As the camera zoomed in further they could see that there were men nailed to each cross and on further zooming in you could see the centre figure had nails in the palms of his hand and the caption was "USE MURPHY's NAILS".

Murphy was horrified and said you cannot use the man on the cross because of the obvious connotations and the producer said "Are you sure because I've booked the advert to be seen after the first part of Coronation Street tonight but Murphy was adamant and finally the producer said "Okay, I won't use the man on the cross.

Murphy and his family were watching Coronation Street and eventually the advert came up.  Murphy was horrified to see a hill in the distance and, eventually, three crosses on the hill.  However, when the camera picked out the middle cross there was no-one on the cross and Murphy breathed a sigh of relief and said "Thank feck for that" but then the camera panned down to the bottom of the cross and there was a prostrate figure on the ground and the caption read "THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF THEY'D USED MURPHY'S NAILS"!!

Monday, 13 May 2013

If I was Salmond.......

As a devoted reader and poster of nonsensical comments on the Scotsman newspaper(?) I cannot help noticing that, on rare occasions, the paper is less than impartial and that every initiative announced by the Yes faction is apparently scrutinised and dissected by the NO campaign before going into print.  If one expert agrees with a Yes policies the Scotsman seems to find another expert to countermand the policy and the political opponents or other non-entities are quoted at great length. 

Not that the Scotsman newspaper is alone in this lack of impartiality but the world famous tax-payer funded BBC even use judicious editing of news items to make them appear anti-independence as was the case with a senior Irish politician.  We could expect something along these lines from unionist newspapers - we all know who they are - but not from an impartial broadcaster like the BBC.

Now, if I were Salmond I would say on behalf of the SNP and the Scottish government that: 

Next year the people of Scotland will make the most important decision of their lives which will affect not just them but their children and their children's children and for generations to come.

We will be voting not just for independence but also regarding monetary union or alternatives, membership of organisations such as the EU, NATO, the UN or alternatives to these organisations.

Whilst we were voted into Government with more MSPs than the other parties we are, of course, aware that significant numbers did not vote for us or our policies.  We are also aware that we may not be forming the next Scottish government and that our policies might be subsumed by others.

That being the case, in the event of a YES vote, to be fair to all concerned, we will hold a referendum on all issues such as those mentioned above and, in view of the importance of these decisions we will let the people of Scotland decide the future direction of this country.

To my mind, such a decision would completely wrong-foot the Better Together campaign who would not be able to argue that Westminster knows best regarding the wishes and aspirations of Scottish voters.

It would also attract voters who may, or may not, wish to join the organisations mentioned but who, at present, feel that their voices may not be heard or that their opinions do not matter.

When all is said and done if voters feel that, far from being dictated to, they are being consulted in every aspect of their future they are much more likely to vote for the opportunity to do so.


Friday, 29 March 2013

Dear Darling,

Dear Darling,

You may, or may not, recall that I wrote to you as Chancellor, which I understand means a big knob at the Treasury,regarding my tax situation.  I was interested to read that non-doms, because their tax situation was rather complicated, reached an agreement with your good-self to pay a lump sum of £30,000 and thus avoided paying tax in the normal manner.  I thought that this is an excellent idea which saves time and money.

My tax affairs being just as complicated, if not in fact chaotic I wrote to you, therefore, to offer a lump sum of £200 per annum which I thought erred a tad on the generous side but we are not going to quibble or fall out over a matter of a few quid.  I sent copies of the letter to all your houses which, as you can imagine incurred substantial postal charges but then again, heigh ho, it's only money.

However to date I have not received your reply and am told that you are now responsible for Better together which probably explains the delay.  I am dismayed that the better together is not, in fact, a referral to ladies knees.  I was hoping that if ladies knees were better together it would prevent them indulging in the barbaric practice of dancing which is a scourge on our society and heavens knows where it could lead.  Perhaps you could include that in your criticism of the SNP as I understand that Salmond is a nifty mover and shaker!

I have to offer my condolences to you regarding the effect of this bedroom tax which I'm sure will cost you an absolute fortune so if you need any advice on avoidance look no further.  I have set up a group against this imposition which I intend to call the Bedroom Action Tax and would wish for your support.  I once spent nine months in labour so can sympathise with their current difficulties.

Yours sincerely,

John B

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Certainly not Shakespeare

Act 1 Scene 1




Location:   A blasted heath yclept Dundee

Cast

Alastair - A man of many mansions

Charles:  Hit record singer - "Pick me up before you go-go"

Annabelle:  A former Miss Easterhouse

Chorus:  White Feather Group and Flute Band


Annabelle:    
Why are we on this freezing heath
when I have nothing on beneath?

Alastair:
That bastard Brownlie put us here
so he can snipe, insult and sneer
Now that he's got us all  together
I hope he'll send us better weather

Charles
Why do we three meet again
In thunder, lightning and in rain
Though we know it's all in vain
We have to start the "No" campaign.

Alastair:
I'm no so keen on this word "No"

I've got five houses on the go
So when the gravy train doth flow
I find it hard to answer "No"

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is on it's way
Claws of Curran, beard of Baillie
Trebles and expenses daily

Charles:
Och, I love the scene when'ere I go
After ten whiskies in a row
They'll say "One mair afore ye go"
I'm never known to answer "No"

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The whisky trail is doon that way

Annabelle
At dinner parties when I go
Sitting next to dear Seb Coe
He whispers to me
Sweet and low
Fancy a quickie before we go
If it's hard I can't say "No"

Chorus:
Smiles of Brown and bombs of Blair
He explores her tartan under- wear
By the ghost of Lard Foulke's granny
We think he found her hootenanny.
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The "No" campaign is oot the way
Double question, toil and trouble
Let Salmond burn and Sturgeon bubble
We've got no chance of bloody winning
The way that bastard Salmond's spinning.

Annabelle:
Do ye fancy a romp among the heather
and call the campaign "Better together"?

Charles:  
I'll drink to that, romp in the heather
Yes, let's call it "Better Weather"

Alastair:
I'm no too sure about this romping
I'd rather hae a clootie dumpling
As part of a seven course dinner
In a five-star hotel, that's a winner

Chorus:
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is here to stay
Mouth of Cherie, sakes of Foukes
We'll all be Ladies, Lords and Dukes.


Saturday, 28 July 2012

Thank you letter!

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.






Dear Kirkcaldy High School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensions luncheon.  I  am 87 years old and live at the Raith Home for Elderly Ladies.  All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.  I want to thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.


My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio but she would never let me listen to it.  She said it belonged to her long dead husband and, understandably, wanted to keep it safe.


The other day her radio fell off the night-stand and broke into a dozen pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to fuck off.


Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.


God bless you all.