I'll get me coat.

An old lady in a care-home for the elderly had an electric wheel-chair where she would zoom up and down the corridors.  An elderly gentleman, a former policeman, would suddenly jump out in front of her and tell her off for speeding, at the same time asking to see her licence.  She would pull out her pension book and after looking at it he would say "Carry on but watch your speed".  This would go on for ages and each time she would say "Not again" but each time he insisted on demanding her "licence".  One day he jumped out in front of her totally naked and she exclaims "Oh, no, not the breathalyser again.................

Murphy had a factory which made nails but his products were not selling well.  A friend advised him to advertise on TV and told him that a friend of his produced videos promoting products.  The producer invited him round to the studio to give him a sample of the advert he had devised.  The ad began with a hill in the distance and as the camera zoomed in they could see that there were three crosses on the hill.  As the camera zoomed in further they could see that there were men nailed to each cross and on further zooming in you could see the centre figure had nails in the palms of his hand and the caption was "USE MURPHY's NAILS".

Murphy was horrified and said you cannot use the man on the cross because of the obvious connotations and the producer said "Are you sure because I've booked the advert to be seen after the first part of Coronation Street tonight but Murphy was adamant and finally the producer said "Okay, I won't use the man on the cross.

Murphy and his family were watching Coronation Street and eventually the advert came up.  Murphy was horrified to see a hill in the distance and, eventually, three crosses on the hill.  However, when the camera picked out the middle cross there was no-one on the cross and Murphy breathed a sigh of relief and said "Thank feck for that" but then the camera panned down to the bottom of the cross and there was a prostrate figure on the ground and the caption read "THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF THEY'D USED MURPHY'S NAILS"!!