Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Certainly not Shakespeare

Act 1 Scene 1

Location:   A blasted heath yclept Dundee


Alastair - A man of many mansions

Charles:  Hit record singer - "Pick me up before you go-go"

Annabelle:  A former Miss Easterhouse

Chorus:  White Feather Group and Flute Band

Why are we on this freezing heath
when I have nothing on beneath?

That bastard Brownlie put us here
so he can snipe, insult and sneer
Now that he's got us all  together
I hope he'll send us better weather

Why do we three meet again
In thunder, lightning and in rain
Though we know it's all in vain
We have to start the "No" campaign.

I'm no so keen on this word "No"

I've got five houses on the go
So when the gravy train doth flow
I find it hard to answer "No"

Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is on it's way
Claws of Curran, beard of Baillie
Trebles and expenses daily

Och, I love the scene when'ere I go
After ten whiskies in a row
They'll say "One mair afore ye go"
I'm never known to answer "No"

Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The whisky trail is doon that way

At dinner parties when I go
Sitting next to dear Seb Coe
He whispers to me
Sweet and low
Fancy a quickie before we go
If it's hard I can't say "No"

Smiles of Brown and bombs of Blair
He explores her tartan under- wear
By the ghost of Lard Foulke's granny
We think he found her hootenanny.
Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The "No" campaign is oot the way
Double question, toil and trouble
Let Salmond burn and Sturgeon bubble
We've got no chance of bloody winning
The way that bastard Salmond's spinning.

Do ye fancy a romp among the heather
and call the campaign "Better together"?

I'll drink to that, romp in the heather
Yes, let's call it "Better Weather"

I'm no too sure about this romping
I'd rather hae a clootie dumpling
As part of a seven course dinner
In a five-star hotel, that's a winner

Teeth of Lamont, shades of Gray
The gravy train is here to stay
Mouth of Cherie, sakes of Foukes
We'll all be Ladies, Lords and Dukes.


  1. And oftentimes, to win us to our harm,
    The instruments of darkness tell us truths,
    Win us with honest trifles, to betray's
    In deepest consequence.

  2. Och... that's fair stunnin' so it is.

    It's a pity the old beggar's dead or you could have invited Blasted Heath to get involved.

    I think my mum will enjoy that John. She doesn't mind it being a little risqué, as long as it's clever... and this is. You'll not be sawn off for writing it, sleep easy!

  3. Nice one and very true, Conan, but could you not have found a Scottish bard to quote from? Are you sure you're not the bold Alan? Trimmed and tinted your beard?

  4. Tris,

    Was tempted to mention the bold Ted but as most of my readers i.e. you and Conan, are only youngsters I was not sure you'd remember him.