Friday, 29 March 2013

Dear Darling,

Dear Darling,

You may, or may not, recall that I wrote to you as Chancellor, which I understand means a big knob at the Treasury,regarding my tax situation.  I was interested to read that non-doms, because their tax situation was rather complicated, reached an agreement with your good-self to pay a lump sum of £30,000 and thus avoided paying tax in the normal manner.  I thought that this is an excellent idea which saves time and money.

My tax affairs being just as complicated, if not in fact chaotic I wrote to you, therefore, to offer a lump sum of £200 per annum which I thought erred a tad on the generous side but we are not going to quibble or fall out over a matter of a few quid.  I sent copies of the letter to all your houses which, as you can imagine incurred substantial postal charges but then again, heigh ho, it's only money.

However to date I have not received your reply and am told that you are now responsible for Better together which probably explains the delay.  I am dismayed that the better together is not, in fact, a referral to ladies knees.  I was hoping that if ladies knees were better together it would prevent them indulging in the barbaric practice of dancing which is a scourge on our society and heavens knows where it could lead.  Perhaps you could include that in your criticism of the SNP as I understand that Salmond is a nifty mover and shaker!

I have to offer my condolences to you regarding the effect of this bedroom tax which I'm sure will cost you an absolute fortune so if you need any advice on avoidance look no further.  I have set up a group against this imposition which I intend to call the Bedroom Action Tax and would wish for your support.  I once spent nine months in labour so can sympathise with their current difficulties.

Yours sincerely,

John B


  1. Dear John

    Thank you for your letter and I can say that I have been in labour for decades and can only wait until I give birth to my new Tory life.

    ps It's getting harder to keep it hidden

    Yours sincerely

    p.p. Anus D

  2. Dear cynicalHighlander, I suspect that you suspect, as indeed many others may suspect, that my letter was a pathetic piss-take of Darling. I have to assure you that such is not the case, at least until my next letter.

    I, being a bit of a Luddite, pressed "publish" instead of "preview" so all you got was the sad efforts of someone who once believed in true Labour wondering where are you? Is there any cure for that?, No, I don't think so. I know for instance, that Niko struggles with it.

    But I actually remember that when I worked for the Labour party we were a party that had dreams, hopes and aspirations and my "comrades",, when we went for a pint would abhor wars, nuclear weapons, nuclear and illegal invasions.

    Where did these "hopes" and "aspirations" go? Blinded and blinkered by Blair and wanting to be re-elected, instead of being ruthlessly disposed off, many forgot their principles and decided that privileges were the more acceptable alternative.

    Who can, in fairness, blame them but such stances might be acceptable in ordinary life but surely not when lives depended on such decisions.

    1. Never voted for them and the only aspiring labour politician I met was an odious selfish character and that party has never been in my radar ever since.

      Those hopes and aspirations were mirages dangled in front of those willing to put their trust in them as they expected that they would be as honourable as ones own conscience, sadly not to be as individual greed and power took over.

      The Yes vote can only go up as the No vote can only go down.

  3. HM Treasury and HMRC

    From Lin Homes CB

    Dear John B

    Please note that due to difficulties (including having to find a Gaelic-English translation service...we thought it was Bulgarian) we have just received a large volume of mail redirected from the previous chancellor's many homes. As you will have read elsewhere we usually fail to answer most of our mail, so you can consider yourself lucky to receive this.

    We have checked up on who you are and how much money you have. Unfortunately you fall far short of that level at which we do deals of the sort that my predecessor did with the likes of Vodaphone.

    You will therefore be responsible for all your back taxes of a not incondensable amount.

    And please don't not think that because you live on an island, speak an incomprehensible tongue and believe that dancing is the root of all evil, that that in any way excuses you from you duty to your country.

    Remember that we are all in this together. You more than most others.

    Please do not waste your time phoning us as we do not answer our phones, although clearly your call IS important to us.

    Yours sincerely


    1. Dear Lin,

      Actually it was Bulgarian as I understood that most Civil Servants were, in actual fact, Bulgarian.

    2. О.ние решихме, че тази информация е тайна. ...

  4. Dear John

    I used to be a young and idealistic shop steward who regularly met with Tam O' the Binns to plan revolution.

    I'm no a shop steward anymore, but my revolution is coming...

  5. Hi, Conan,

    I'm right behind you but, worry not, my intentions are strictly honourable and it's in a good cause!